Waiting

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

I left my shrink appointment today feeling worse not better. My raw emotions were brought to the surface... again. Not that that's a bad thing, but when you get back into the swing of things, you are forced to wear your happy face. Then all of a sudden reality crashes back in and I'm left feeling the same way I did when I first found out my baby died.

I left the appointment feeling out another $25 bucks ($300 for my insurance company) and still without answers. After receiving an email from another baby loss momma in my free online support group, I got the best answer I could get. This will never go away. This is my life now and I just have to learn to cope with it. As I learn to cope, it will get better. Right now, I am just trying to find the best ways for ME to cope and this could be different for everyone. If coping means seeing a shrink once a week to talk about things, then fine. That's just not what I'm sure about yet. Time will tell.

Regrets

When Pat and I held Hunter for the first time, it felt like holding a doll. It was a very unreal moment. He didn't feel like mine, and I didn't get too upset. I cried a little. But I cried more before and after. This was the only visual I had of him. Everything else was the idea of him. When he would be here, where he would sleep, what he would wear, how I would feed him. When the doctor's told me he died, all of these thoughts died with him. The baby I held didn't really exsist. I wish I was more prepared. When I found out he passed, I wanted him out. I wanted to get it over with. The sooner I could get home, out of the hospital that had killed my baby, the better. That sounds absolutely awful, but honestly I didn't know what to think, I was infuriated and in absolute disbelief. At first I didn't even know if I wanted to see him. I didn't know if I could handle it emotionally. Is this what parents did? Did they hold and see their dead babies? Hospitals should be better prepared to inform parents of their rights in this situation. I have pictures of Hunter that the nurses took, but I could have taken my own. No one told me that. I could have asked for his foot prints, no one told me that either. I was in a cloud, everything around me was in slow motion yet happening so fast. I didn't know how I was supposed to act or what I should say. They handed me a brochure. I didn't read it until after I came home. We held Hunter for 20 minutes. Then we gave him back. We didn't know what else to do.

The Shrink

I can't go on and on complaining about how awful my life is right now and how hard it is to face every single situation. Each time someone asks me for baby pictures or how's the baby? Each time I see a newborn at the grocery store or brought into the office by a new proud parent. I can't help but think that right now, I should have a healthy baby boy. I can't help it when everything I do, I think what would I being doing if Hunter was here.

I can't do that to my friends and family. But I can't pretend it didn't happen either. I still need to deal with it. My future child deserves the right to have parents who are 100% commited to him/her instead of still trying to cope with the grief of losing a past child.

So I finally made the move. I think I've coped very well so far. I have a great support system, but they've done all they can do. Now I'll just pay a professional.

My due date was August 3rd. I thought about writing that day but honestly just couldn't bring myself to do it. Denial was my best coping method. It was another milestone that I had been dreading and now it's past and I'm not sure I feel any different... better or worse.

Hunter's Pictures

I decided to share Hunter's pictures with my family yesterday. I sent out an email letting everyone know that I had the pictures and if they'd like to see them to let me know.

At first, I couldn't look at the pictures, the first time I did look I started sobbing. Each consecutive time after that got easier and easier and now I have to look at them every day as often as I can. Now instead of seeing the sick baby, I see the healthy child he could of been. Once I got past the initial shock, I noticed he had my nose and my husband Pat's shaped face/jawbone. It makes it harder because instead of seeing a sick dead baby, I see our child and what we lost. This gave me the need to share the pictures with everyone else. I have the same need to share our creation as any other parent of a healthy baby would.

It was somewhat difficult because I was scared of rejection. How would I feel if they didn't want to see him? I am now immune to the pictures. I love them, they are my most valuable possession but my family may need more time, they may feel the way I felt in the beginning. But I have to share them, or at least let them make the decision. I can't make the decision for them, he's their grandson, nephew, cousin etc. Maybe they really want to see him.

Time will tell. So far the response has been good. I sent the pictures to several people yesterday. A good friend thanked me for sharing, he is beautiful she said.

Sense of calm

I talked to the doctor today about my final results. The infection had set up camp in the umbilical cord where the doctor had noticed an abnormality (it was very narrow). The infection was at it's most concentrated place right there. It was explained to me that the infection had caused the abnormality, the restricted flow in the cord and the lack of amniotic fluid. So the original guess that the placenta was not functioning is incorrect. The difference is very important to me. My body did not in fact fail me. Instead it was an outside cause. Something that was unpreventable, untreatable and very rare. Something that will never happen again. We still don't know what kind of infection it is. They ran tests for every common possibility and results were all negative.

If Hunter had been born, he would not have survived, that is certain. I feel blessed that he passed in a place where he was comfortable, closest to me and in the home he had been so peaceful for 7 months. How tragic would it have been to be ripped from his loving environment and thrown into a NICU, where he'd have been poked and prodded only to be cursed with the same destiny. So while I don't believe that anything is meant to be, (how could an infection be meant to be?) I still believe that given the circumstances this was the best way he could have left us. And if anything, I had 2 weeks in the hospital which I felt closest to him. All of my attention was on him and his well being.

Results

The final results are in and I got my period. I woke up this morning with the blood and felt a unique sense of freedom. I was free from the Limbo I was living in for the past 8 weeks. It felt like the beginning of a journey that would soon heal me. I shouldn't make it sound like it cured my inner grief... but I did feel a slight weight lifted from my shoulders.

I waited all day for the phone call. I went to the copier with the cell phone in my back pocket in fear I would miss the call in the split second I was away from my desk. At about 3 pm I was on the phone with a customer and my cell rang. The customer was in the middle of explaining something otherwise I would have excused my self and asked to call her back. Instead I froze and wanted so badly to slam the phone down and take my call. No such luck.

I listened to the voicemail which said results are in and that she would like to talk to me TOMORROW. Because she wants to give me her undevoted attention. I couldn't help but think that if I were in her place I would give special attention to someone in my situation and perhaps call in my free time. But maybe I'm not her only patient going through this? Maybe there are others? Maybe this happens more often? Maybe I'm not so special?

Ok this all doesn't really matter. The most important part of the message came later. "Shanna, I will go over the results with you tomorrow but I can tell you now - that this will never happen to you again".

My poor Hunter. He did nothing wrong and his mother did nothing to him. The beginning of his life was so promising... just like any other baby. He was healthy and so close, he had made it so far.

The Autopsy

I've been so anxious, I'm always on edge and I'm fearing the worst. My doctor said one more day. 5 wks turned into 6 and 6 into 8 and now, one more day. Pathology promises results will be in on Friday morning. Will the results give me what I'm looking for? Will I at least feel some closure? I feel that if the results are inconclusive I will feel even worse... let down again. I'm scared it will be something I could have avoided. Did I eat bad meat? Is it somehow my fault? Can I prevent it from happening again?

In the meantime I feel my body is waiting too. It's been over 5 wks since I stopped bleeding after birth and still no period. I can't help but feel it's my body telling me it's not ready to move on. The cycle of death lingers on and I am reminded of it every day.

Will I be upset when this is all over? I am still preoccupied with everything Hunter, all day every day. There are no breaks. So when I have autopsy results and I get my period is it all over? Does that mean I will forget? Or go a day without thinking about him? That too makes me sad. I'm tired of being sad but not ready to be happy.