I decided to share Hunter's pictures with my family yesterday. I sent out an email letting everyone know that I had the pictures and if they'd like to see them to let me know.
At first, I couldn't look at the pictures, the first time I did look I started sobbing. Each consecutive time after that got easier and easier and now I have to look at them every day as often as I can. Now instead of seeing the sick baby, I see the healthy child he could of been. Once I got past the initial shock, I noticed he had my nose and my husband Pat's shaped face/jawbone. It makes it harder because instead of seeing a sick dead baby, I see our child and what we lost. This gave me the need to share the pictures with everyone else. I have the same need to share our creation as any other parent of a healthy baby would.
It was somewhat difficult because I was scared of rejection. How would I feel if they didn't want to see him? I am now immune to the pictures. I love them, they are my most valuable possession but my family may need more time, they may feel the way I felt in the beginning. But I have to share them, or at least let them make the decision. I can't make the decision for them, he's their grandson, nephew, cousin etc. Maybe they really want to see him.
Time will tell. So far the response has been good. I sent the pictures to several people yesterday. A good friend thanked me for sharing, he is beautiful she said.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sense of calm
I talked to the doctor today about my final results. The infection had set up camp in the umbilical cord where the doctor had noticed an abnormality (it was very narrow). The infection was at it's most concentrated place right there. It was explained to me that the infection had caused the abnormality, the restricted flow in the cord and the lack of amniotic fluid. So the original guess that the placenta was not functioning is incorrect. The difference is very important to me. My body did not in fact fail me. Instead it was an outside cause. Something that was unpreventable, untreatable and very rare. Something that will never happen again. We still don't know what kind of infection it is. They ran tests for every common possibility and results were all negative.
If Hunter had been born, he would not have survived, that is certain. I feel blessed that he passed in a place where he was comfortable, closest to me and in the home he had been so peaceful for 7 months. How tragic would it have been to be ripped from his loving environment and thrown into a NICU, where he'd have been poked and prodded only to be cursed with the same destiny. So while I don't believe that anything is meant to be, (how could an infection be meant to be?) I still believe that given the circumstances this was the best way he could have left us. And if anything, I had 2 weeks in the hospital which I felt closest to him. All of my attention was on him and his well being.
If Hunter had been born, he would not have survived, that is certain. I feel blessed that he passed in a place where he was comfortable, closest to me and in the home he had been so peaceful for 7 months. How tragic would it have been to be ripped from his loving environment and thrown into a NICU, where he'd have been poked and prodded only to be cursed with the same destiny. So while I don't believe that anything is meant to be, (how could an infection be meant to be?) I still believe that given the circumstances this was the best way he could have left us. And if anything, I had 2 weeks in the hospital which I felt closest to him. All of my attention was on him and his well being.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Results
The final results are in and I got my period. I woke up this morning with the blood and felt a unique sense of freedom. I was free from the Limbo I was living in for the past 8 weeks. It felt like the beginning of a journey that would soon heal me. I shouldn't make it sound like it cured my inner grief... but I did feel a slight weight lifted from my shoulders.
I waited all day for the phone call. I went to the copier with the cell phone in my back pocket in fear I would miss the call in the split second I was away from my desk. At about 3 pm I was on the phone with a customer and my cell rang. The customer was in the middle of explaining something otherwise I would have excused my self and asked to call her back. Instead I froze and wanted so badly to slam the phone down and take my call. No such luck.
I listened to the voicemail which said results are in and that she would like to talk to me TOMORROW. Because she wants to give me her undevoted attention. I couldn't help but think that if I were in her place I would give special attention to someone in my situation and perhaps call in my free time. But maybe I'm not her only patient going through this? Maybe there are others? Maybe this happens more often? Maybe I'm not so special?
Ok this all doesn't really matter. The most important part of the message came later. "Shanna, I will go over the results with you tomorrow but I can tell you now - that this will never happen to you again".
My poor Hunter. He did nothing wrong and his mother did nothing to him. The beginning of his life was so promising... just like any other baby. He was healthy and so close, he had made it so far.
I waited all day for the phone call. I went to the copier with the cell phone in my back pocket in fear I would miss the call in the split second I was away from my desk. At about 3 pm I was on the phone with a customer and my cell rang. The customer was in the middle of explaining something otherwise I would have excused my self and asked to call her back. Instead I froze and wanted so badly to slam the phone down and take my call. No such luck.
I listened to the voicemail which said results are in and that she would like to talk to me TOMORROW. Because she wants to give me her undevoted attention. I couldn't help but think that if I were in her place I would give special attention to someone in my situation and perhaps call in my free time. But maybe I'm not her only patient going through this? Maybe there are others? Maybe this happens more often? Maybe I'm not so special?
Ok this all doesn't really matter. The most important part of the message came later. "Shanna, I will go over the results with you tomorrow but I can tell you now - that this will never happen to you again".
My poor Hunter. He did nothing wrong and his mother did nothing to him. The beginning of his life was so promising... just like any other baby. He was healthy and so close, he had made it so far.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The Autopsy
I've been so anxious, I'm always on edge and I'm fearing the worst. My doctor said one more day. 5 wks turned into 6 and 6 into 8 and now, one more day. Pathology promises results will be in on Friday morning. Will the results give me what I'm looking for? Will I at least feel some closure? I feel that if the results are inconclusive I will feel even worse... let down again. I'm scared it will be something I could have avoided. Did I eat bad meat? Is it somehow my fault? Can I prevent it from happening again?
In the meantime I feel my body is waiting too. It's been over 5 wks since I stopped bleeding after birth and still no period. I can't help but feel it's my body telling me it's not ready to move on. The cycle of death lingers on and I am reminded of it every day.
Will I be upset when this is all over? I am still preoccupied with everything Hunter, all day every day. There are no breaks. So when I have autopsy results and I get my period is it all over? Does that mean I will forget? Or go a day without thinking about him? That too makes me sad. I'm tired of being sad but not ready to be happy.
In the meantime I feel my body is waiting too. It's been over 5 wks since I stopped bleeding after birth and still no period. I can't help but feel it's my body telling me it's not ready to move on. The cycle of death lingers on and I am reminded of it every day.
Will I be upset when this is all over? I am still preoccupied with everything Hunter, all day every day. There are no breaks. So when I have autopsy results and I get my period is it all over? Does that mean I will forget? Or go a day without thinking about him? That too makes me sad. I'm tired of being sad but not ready to be happy.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Missing Angels Bill
Parents of stillbirth babies deserve the right to get a birth certificate. Please sign the petition on the link below to help fight for this cause. While many states have agreed, many have not including Illinois.
http://petitiononline.com/4ourkids/petition.html
For more information on the cause visit:
http://www.missingangelsbill.org
http://petitiononline.com/4ourkids/petition.html
For more information on the cause visit:
http://www.missingangelsbill.org
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I just want my baby back
I'm feeling very angry today. I try not to be angry because it's not productive. It doesn't do any good and it's no ones fault. I have no one to blame. I just want Hunter back.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Too much information
Today was my 2nd Monday back to work. This week will be a full week. I lucked out on my first week back, we had Friday off for the 4th. It's slow... they're easing me back into things. I spend my spare time googling everything and anything about my loss and my hopeful future pregnancy. Infections, causes for infections, VBACS, risks of VBACS, uterine rupture, estimated due dates. I'm constantly searching for answers but always come up short. I'm missing something. They're aren't answers for everything. There is no answer to why me.
It's scary. I've had complete faith in doctors but now I'm realizing you can't put all your trust in them. You have to watch out for yourself too. You have to question them and their authority. Keep them on their toes. No one knows your body better than yourself and if you don't feel right about it then say something. Just because they're a doctor doesn't mean they know everything. That's my biggest regret.
Why didn't I have this information when I needed it? Why did I insist on living in a bubble for so long?
It's scary. I've had complete faith in doctors but now I'm realizing you can't put all your trust in them. You have to watch out for yourself too. You have to question them and their authority. Keep them on their toes. No one knows your body better than yourself and if you don't feel right about it then say something. Just because they're a doctor doesn't mean they know everything. That's my biggest regret.
Why didn't I have this information when I needed it? Why did I insist on living in a bubble for so long?
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My Story - Treasure life's simple moments
I wish I would have started this blog long ago. To capture my happy moments, all I have are memories now. Later is better than never and as I go through this journey of grief and healing, I hope maybe one day my future child will read back and see how beautiful their life is. How much it was wanted and hoped for. I'm not a very good writer, so bear with me. Instead of burying my thoughts, fears, sadness, hope and tears, I'm throwing it out there. Therapy... that's what it is.
It has been 1 month, 3 weeks and 3 days since the worst day of my life. A day that will haunt me forever. I lost my first child, my beautiful baby boy, Hunter. It was 6 am and like every morning for the past 2 weeks, the night nurse came in one last time before leaving for the day, to give me my NST (fetal heart monitoring). Today was a big day. I had made it to 28 weeks, a milestone that the doctors had hoped for but not expected. Each day was a milestone in of itself but this was big. I rolled over in a cloud... half awake, half sleeping while the straps were wrapped around my belly. This time was different, the nurse couldn't find the heart beat. Did he move again? The little bugger was now laying sideways after being breach. He had been swimming around like crazy in there. Let's get the doppler, this had happened once before... it seems to work better and once the heart beat is located, I can be strapped in. The nurse came in with her superior... hmm this girl must be new. The older nurse takes control and still can't find a heart beat. The doctor is called in. I'm calm, I can't comprehend that anything is actually wrong. I'm just very anxious. Just find it already! Find it! It's there, I know it is! They bring in a portable ultra sound machine. No heart beat. The doctor tells me "I'm not getting a good look, I'd like to bring you to the ultra sound room for a better view on better equipment". They walk me over and sit me down. In comes the entire staff of doctors. Attendees, Fellows... everyone. "I'm sorry, I don't think we're going to find a heart beat". Sinking, burning, gut wrenching pain. I want to curl up in a fetal position and scream.
Two weeks prior, I had called my ob and told them that Hunter's kicks and jabs were now pats and flutters and I would like to come in. Upon review of the ultrasound I was told I had no amniotic fluid. My husband Pat was on his way. Up until this day, I had a happy carefree pregnancy. I had registered for my baby shower just the day before. I had a stroller, a crib and dresser full of freshly washed clothes ready to go.
I was admitted to one hospital and promptly transferred to another with a 3rd level NICU. I stayed in the intensive care unit for 48 hours. Everyone thought I would have this baby soon. They had NICU doctors come talk to us about risks and what to expect. They wouldn't let me eat in case I had to deliver. They said that I should feel grateful that I listened to my gut feelings... I had saved my baby. I was told that I was in the best place to have a pre term baby in the region. I was in good hands.
I made it through the first 48 hours and was transferred to a normal room with big windows and a private bathroom. This would be my home for a while. My mom flew in at the first mention of delivering. She desperately wanted to be with me at the birth and I desperately needed her support. She spent many days/nights with me and kept my spirits up. There was one good thing that would come of this. When over, I would have my baby.
On mother's day, I was given the greatest gift of all. During my ultrasound, my fluids were normal and the flow in the cord was no longer restricted. I was beaming. Maybe Hunter could make it full term after all.
2 days later all my hopes for Hunter were put to rest. Now all I have are my memories... of my first ultra sound, the moment we were told "it's a boy!", the first morning I felt my little boy's foot on the outside and all the others. I would never take it back. If I could exchange all the pain for losing these precious moments, I could never do it. These were the best days of my life and I'll always treasure them.
It has been 1 month, 3 weeks and 3 days since the worst day of my life. A day that will haunt me forever. I lost my first child, my beautiful baby boy, Hunter. It was 6 am and like every morning for the past 2 weeks, the night nurse came in one last time before leaving for the day, to give me my NST (fetal heart monitoring). Today was a big day. I had made it to 28 weeks, a milestone that the doctors had hoped for but not expected. Each day was a milestone in of itself but this was big. I rolled over in a cloud... half awake, half sleeping while the straps were wrapped around my belly. This time was different, the nurse couldn't find the heart beat. Did he move again? The little bugger was now laying sideways after being breach. He had been swimming around like crazy in there. Let's get the doppler, this had happened once before... it seems to work better and once the heart beat is located, I can be strapped in. The nurse came in with her superior... hmm this girl must be new. The older nurse takes control and still can't find a heart beat. The doctor is called in. I'm calm, I can't comprehend that anything is actually wrong. I'm just very anxious. Just find it already! Find it! It's there, I know it is! They bring in a portable ultra sound machine. No heart beat. The doctor tells me "I'm not getting a good look, I'd like to bring you to the ultra sound room for a better view on better equipment". They walk me over and sit me down. In comes the entire staff of doctors. Attendees, Fellows... everyone. "I'm sorry, I don't think we're going to find a heart beat". Sinking, burning, gut wrenching pain. I want to curl up in a fetal position and scream.
Two weeks prior, I had called my ob and told them that Hunter's kicks and jabs were now pats and flutters and I would like to come in. Upon review of the ultrasound I was told I had no amniotic fluid. My husband Pat was on his way. Up until this day, I had a happy carefree pregnancy. I had registered for my baby shower just the day before. I had a stroller, a crib and dresser full of freshly washed clothes ready to go.
I was admitted to one hospital and promptly transferred to another with a 3rd level NICU. I stayed in the intensive care unit for 48 hours. Everyone thought I would have this baby soon. They had NICU doctors come talk to us about risks and what to expect. They wouldn't let me eat in case I had to deliver. They said that I should feel grateful that I listened to my gut feelings... I had saved my baby. I was told that I was in the best place to have a pre term baby in the region. I was in good hands.
I made it through the first 48 hours and was transferred to a normal room with big windows and a private bathroom. This would be my home for a while. My mom flew in at the first mention of delivering. She desperately wanted to be with me at the birth and I desperately needed her support. She spent many days/nights with me and kept my spirits up. There was one good thing that would come of this. When over, I would have my baby.
On mother's day, I was given the greatest gift of all. During my ultrasound, my fluids were normal and the flow in the cord was no longer restricted. I was beaming. Maybe Hunter could make it full term after all.
2 days later all my hopes for Hunter were put to rest. Now all I have are my memories... of my first ultra sound, the moment we were told "it's a boy!", the first morning I felt my little boy's foot on the outside and all the others. I would never take it back. If I could exchange all the pain for losing these precious moments, I could never do it. These were the best days of my life and I'll always treasure them.
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