The Autopsy

I've been so anxious, I'm always on edge and I'm fearing the worst. My doctor said one more day. 5 wks turned into 6 and 6 into 8 and now, one more day. Pathology promises results will be in on Friday morning. Will the results give me what I'm looking for? Will I at least feel some closure? I feel that if the results are inconclusive I will feel even worse... let down again. I'm scared it will be something I could have avoided. Did I eat bad meat? Is it somehow my fault? Can I prevent it from happening again?

In the meantime I feel my body is waiting too. It's been over 5 wks since I stopped bleeding after birth and still no period. I can't help but feel it's my body telling me it's not ready to move on. The cycle of death lingers on and I am reminded of it every day.

Will I be upset when this is all over? I am still preoccupied with everything Hunter, all day every day. There are no breaks. So when I have autopsy results and I get my period is it all over? Does that mean I will forget? Or go a day without thinking about him? That too makes me sad. I'm tired of being sad but not ready to be happy.