Facing a wall

I'm right back to where I started. Messing with my cycle got me nowhere and just played with my head. I got my period on the first day I started my ovulation testing. So yes, that would be 3 periods in a little over a month and I'm now back to ground zero. I start my testing again this week. I saw my ob this past Wednesday and was given the OK to go ahead with conceiving. Now, I wait. I desperately want a positive the first time around, but doesn't everyone?

The doc was very relaxed, almost too relaxed for my liking. I was there for business, I was stiff, rigid and almost emotionless. I wanted facts, written in stone and handed to me. That's not what I got. I got, "It was a fluke" "It won't happen again". How can he say that? He can't for sure, and he shouldn't. This very well could happen again. Sure the chances are slim, but it COULD happen again. I told him it didn't matter if it was a fluke, I was going to be a nervous wreck. He assured me, that at any time if I had a bad feeling, needed reassurance, for any reason at all, I could come in, I could see my baby. That was what I needed at the very least and he gave that to me.

This pregnancy will be very different in many ways. I've lost my innocence. I can not get that back no matter how hard I try. I can not trick myself, I can not undue what's been done. I refuse however to let it beat me down. I refuse to detach myself from my next pregnancy. For me and Hunter, that's all we had. No one else knew him but I carried him for 7 months and he was a part of me. To miss out on that for my next because I am too scared to face the possibility of losing another would be unfair. I'd only be hurting myself.

Negative comments will be pushed aside and dealt with straight on. I owe no one nothing and myself every little joy I can possibly receive. I don't want your advice because you don't know. I don't need your guidance because you haven't been there.

I stand here, facing a wall. The world passing me by. Nothing else matters. I have stopped. I am being, all else is lost. Are you talking? I am not listening. I do not feel, I do not touch. I do not cry, I do not laugh. Outward appearance is a facade, it is not real. I am worthless, meaningless and uncaring. I am facing a wall - waiting.