'Tis the Season

Last year I didn't put up my Christmas tree. Christmas is a time of year I always look forward to. It's always been a big occasion. I'm starting to think maybe even more so than other families. My mother in law died just after Christmas and in her last letter to me she wished I would feel the Joy of Christmas for all of my days. She knew that it brought something special out in me. Family, giving, good food, and togetherness.

I know that I am the way that I am because of my grandma, Nuni. She pushed it on all of us, you couldn't help but succumb to it, absorb it in your blood. Every detail was perfect. The tree was a work of art. She took ordinary things and turned them into ornaments/decorations. Some people may look at her tree and think it was odd. Beautiful but odd. She used lace and pine cones, white lights and cinnamon. It was her. Each present she wrapped, you didn't want to open. You wanted to keep it on a bookshelf and enjoy it all year. She passed away the day after I found out I was pregnant with Hunter, on Thanksgiving weekend, last year. My family was torn at the seams with grief, she was such a integral part of our small but close knit group. My pregnancy seemed oddly coincidental. Our loss was replaced with new life and new beginnings. It was not planned so it felt like a gift. One last gift.

That year I didn't celebrate Christmas. I didn't put up a tree, I didn't wrap a present or send out a card. It seemed wrong and my normal excitement didn't come. Instead I put all of my focus on next year. Next year I would have my own family and a new baby to see our Christmas tree for the first time. I wondered what he/she would do the first time he saw the pretty lights and I looked forward to sharing our baby with family.

So now Christmas is around the corner and I have no baby in my arms. Nuni is still gone and I'm unsure what to do. Part of me wants to hibernate in a shell and wait for it to pass. Part of me wants to move on and put up my tree. I desperately hope I'll be pregnant soon. I need some inspiration. I need a fresh start. I need something to work out, to succeed. Everything is dieing around me. Everything is turning upside down. This isn't how it should be.