Regrets

When Pat and I held Hunter for the first time, it felt like holding a doll. It was a very unreal moment. He didn't feel like mine, and I didn't get too upset. I cried a little. But I cried more before and after. This was the only visual I had of him. Everything else was the idea of him. When he would be here, where he would sleep, what he would wear, how I would feed him. When the doctor's told me he died, all of these thoughts died with him. The baby I held didn't really exsist. I wish I was more prepared. When I found out he passed, I wanted him out. I wanted to get it over with. The sooner I could get home, out of the hospital that had killed my baby, the better. That sounds absolutely awful, but honestly I didn't know what to think, I was infuriated and in absolute disbelief. At first I didn't even know if I wanted to see him. I didn't know if I could handle it emotionally. Is this what parents did? Did they hold and see their dead babies? Hospitals should be better prepared to inform parents of their rights in this situation. I have pictures of Hunter that the nurses took, but I could have taken my own. No one told me that. I could have asked for his foot prints, no one told me that either. I was in a cloud, everything around me was in slow motion yet happening so fast. I didn't know how I was supposed to act or what I should say. They handed me a brochure. I didn't read it until after I came home. We held Hunter for 20 minutes. Then we gave him back. We didn't know what else to do.