Sense of calm

I talked to the doctor today about my final results. The infection had set up camp in the umbilical cord where the doctor had noticed an abnormality (it was very narrow). The infection was at it's most concentrated place right there. It was explained to me that the infection had caused the abnormality, the restricted flow in the cord and the lack of amniotic fluid. So the original guess that the placenta was not functioning is incorrect. The difference is very important to me. My body did not in fact fail me. Instead it was an outside cause. Something that was unpreventable, untreatable and very rare. Something that will never happen again. We still don't know what kind of infection it is. They ran tests for every common possibility and results were all negative.

If Hunter had been born, he would not have survived, that is certain. I feel blessed that he passed in a place where he was comfortable, closest to me and in the home he had been so peaceful for 7 months. How tragic would it have been to be ripped from his loving environment and thrown into a NICU, where he'd have been poked and prodded only to be cursed with the same destiny. So while I don't believe that anything is meant to be, (how could an infection be meant to be?) I still believe that given the circumstances this was the best way he could have left us. And if anything, I had 2 weeks in the hospital which I felt closest to him. All of my attention was on him and his well being.