I wish I would have started this blog long ago. To capture my happy moments, all I have are memories now. Later is better than never and as I go through this journey of grief and healing, I hope maybe one day my future child will read back and see how beautiful their life is. How much it was wanted and hoped for. I'm not a very good writer, so bear with me. Instead of burying my thoughts, fears, sadness, hope and tears, I'm throwing it out there. Therapy... that's what it is.
It has been 1 month, 3 weeks and 3 days since the worst day of my life. A day that will haunt me forever. I lost my first child, my beautiful baby boy, Hunter. It was 6 am and like every morning for the past 2 weeks, the night nurse came in one last time before leaving for the day, to give me my NST (fetal heart monitoring). Today was a big day. I had made it to 28 weeks, a milestone that the doctors had hoped for but not expected. Each day was a milestone in of itself but this was big. I rolled over in a cloud... half awake, half sleeping while the straps were wrapped around my belly. This time was different, the nurse couldn't find the heart beat. Did he move again? The little bugger was now laying sideways after being breach. He had been swimming around like crazy in there. Let's get the doppler, this had happened once before... it seems to work better and once the heart beat is located, I can be strapped in. The nurse came in with her superior... hmm this girl must be new. The older nurse takes control and still can't find a heart beat. The doctor is called in. I'm calm, I can't comprehend that anything is actually wrong. I'm just very anxious. Just find it already! Find it! It's there, I know it is! They bring in a portable ultra sound machine. No heart beat. The doctor tells me "I'm not getting a good look, I'd like to bring you to the ultra sound room for a better view on better equipment". They walk me over and sit me down. In comes the entire staff of doctors. Attendees, Fellows... everyone. "I'm sorry, I don't think we're going to find a heart beat". Sinking, burning, gut wrenching pain. I want to curl up in a fetal position and scream.
Two weeks prior, I had called my ob and told them that Hunter's kicks and jabs were now pats and flutters and I would like to come in. Upon review of the ultrasound I was told I had no amniotic fluid. My husband Pat was on his way. Up until this day, I had a happy carefree pregnancy. I had registered for my baby shower just the day before. I had a stroller, a crib and dresser full of freshly washed clothes ready to go.
I was admitted to one hospital and promptly transferred to another with a 3rd level NICU. I stayed in the intensive care unit for 48 hours. Everyone thought I would have this baby soon. They had NICU doctors come talk to us about risks and what to expect. They wouldn't let me eat in case I had to deliver. They said that I should feel grateful that I listened to my gut feelings... I had saved my baby. I was told that I was in the best place to have a pre term baby in the region. I was in good hands.
I made it through the first 48 hours and was transferred to a normal room with big windows and a private bathroom. This would be my home for a while. My mom flew in at the first mention of delivering. She desperately wanted to be with me at the birth and I desperately needed her support. She spent many days/nights with me and kept my spirits up. There was one good thing that would come of this. When over, I would have my baby.
On mother's day, I was given the greatest gift of all. During my ultrasound, my fluids were normal and the flow in the cord was no longer restricted. I was beaming. Maybe Hunter could make it full term after all.
2 days later all my hopes for Hunter were put to rest. Now all I have are my memories... of my first ultra sound, the moment we were told "it's a boy!", the first morning I felt my little boy's foot on the outside and all the others. I would never take it back. If I could exchange all the pain for losing these precious moments, I could never do it. These were the best days of my life and I'll always treasure them.
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