The Insensitive Ones

I had a bad day yesterday. I had to listen to a coworker (who is as far along as I was when Hunter died) complain that she now has biweekly appointments instead of monthly ones. She complained that it was a waste of time, unnecessary and stupid. I then heard the rest of the department jump in (she is their superior so they say whatever she wants to hear) and actually validate her complaints. I fumbled for my ipod and headphones to block out the conversation but it was too late. The damage was done.

I was told the same thing at my last appointment before Hunter died. That my appointments too would now be biweekly. To me this meant that I was closer, that I would get to hear my baby's precious heartbeat twice instead of once a month which thrilled me. Even in my "ignorant and blissfull" days of pregnancy, I looked forward to this next stage of my pregnancy. But I never had a biweekly check up. I argue now that all pregnancies should be treated as high risk. A book I'm reading now, Trying Again by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D. questions why the medical communtity won't give you the "High Risk" level of care unless you have a baby die. As if you must have the one "freeby". Shouldn't every life deserve that level of care, the book said.

So while this woman is complaining about too much care, I'm wishing I could have had more care, maybe Hunter would have survived. Now I know that I've posted earlier that there was nothing anyone could have done; I still have my doubts and can't help but think "what if".

I don't wish that her baby would die so she could understand. I do wish she understood enough to keep these thoughts to herself. And I do wish she would be more sensitive speaking about such matters in front of me. I tell myself over and over... They just don't understand. I'm just still hurt.