The Next Step, our second child

I came off the birth control mid pack to try and reroute my monthly cycle. This way I can conceive end October / early November without having my due date fall on August 3rd again. If my calculations are correct, and we conceived immediately, the due date would fall on 7/11, ironically close to my mother in law Shirley's birthday on 7/10. She's passed on, so it would make the child's birthday even more meaningful since it hurts me and Pat a lot that she is not here to experience this with us. She would have been so happy and would have been a great grandma. If we do not conceive right away... it's ok. I just did not want to have the due date be the same as last time, which it would have been if I did not try and change the course.

The next step is the pre conception visit; something I did not experience the first time around. They will make sure I am in tip top shape. I never stopped my pre natals, so this baby will have the much needed Folic Acid from the very beginning. My appointment is scheduled for 9/30 at which time I hope to discuss the game plan for our impending pregnancy. I've been advised this pregnancy will be high risk (only b/c every mother with a fetal loss is automatically high risk regardless of the circumstances).

On a side note, a dear friend of mine called yesterday. After 3 years of trying to conceive, she is pregnant. Her due date is in April. Hopefully going through this together will bring back the excitement and innocence of pregnancy that every women deserves but I have lost. While talking with her, I found myself saying all the "naive things" someone would normally say. Hopefully I can convince myself to actually feel this way again and be more optimistic.

6 months

It's already around the corner. The six month mark will be next month, it seems like yesterday. Six months means a lot to me. For one, we have the ok to try for another, something I want so badly. Something has happened over the past months. During my grieving I realize now that I feel closer to Hunter than I ever had during my pregnancy. He is my son and I can never replace him. Of course the need to have a baby in my arms is real and unrelenting, my intentions are not to replace Hunter. He was and always will be my first. Even though he is gone, I have a strong need to get his approval or maybe the approval from others to move on. Or maybe I just need to know deep down that I am ready, I need to hear it from my own self conscious. I know it's what I want and I think I'm ready. I'm scared but I'm ready.